Bald Paul – Summer 2025

Whilst Robin had often threatened to retire, he could usually be coaxed back annually to collect the wooden spoon. Bald Paul – Robin's replacement this year – had been far more permanently retired, resisting all invitations since Theresa May was confidently steering Britain out of the EU eight years ago.

One of the pioneers of Superstars, all it took to get this veteran to un-retire was the entire removal of almost all cardiovascular events. Bye bye sprinting and cycling, welcome back Ming the Merciless.

The intriguing new team format could scupper his advantage in golf, but nonetheless he returns as a serious contender for the title. Spectators should make the most of witnessing the lesser-spotted Bill-From-Guess-Who, he may not return until the events are golf, a little nap and yelling at clouds.